


Loads

by thesometimeswarrior



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesometimeswarrior/pseuds/thesometimeswarrior
Summary: She might be free now, but she’s still aPearl, was built to carry things for her Diamond, has both the impulse and the capacity engrained deep in her Gem. It’s only proper, therefore, that she be the one to bear the burden.And it’s telling herself this that Pearl slowly bends down, and, one-by-one, levitates each bubble into her Gem.After the War, Pearl bears burdens—literal and otherwise.
Relationships: Garnet & Pearl (Steven Universe), Pearl & Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 136





	Loads

It only solves one of their problems, when Rose finally discovers how to put the discorporated Gemstones of these newly Corrupted… _things_ …that had once been their friends into a sort of stasis. 

( _I thought of it because of something you said, Pearl,_ Rose had said—and even now, even in the midst of everything horrible that has just recently happened, it’s enough to make Pearl blush. _About how we need to protect these Gems in the best way we can. And I thought...I use my bubble to protect us, so maybe I could make a small bubble around each of them too_.) 

It had worked, and it’s admittedly a marked improvement on the state of things. The Sisyphean task of having to continually discorporate these creatures, only to see them re-form—watching as they _almost_ become former friends but instead transform into un-sentient _monsters_ —is over. But now they’re faced with the dilemma of what, precisely, to do with the ever-growing piles of bubbled gemstones. 

The three of them (Stars, only _three_ of them, now…) concur by some unspoken agreement that the Base isn’t an option. They can’t return there. It’s too _empty_ as is, quiet where once, only recently, it had been raucous. And the notion seeing of _mounds_ of their friends’ Gemstones inside, in that quiet…

No. 

But Garnet insists (in a voice so much terser than it ever used to be) that they also can’t simply leave the Gemstones on the ground. ( _Humans will find them. They will pop, and there will be chaos, destruction, and death_.)

She’s right of course. It’s so _obvious_ , to the point that Pearl’s not sure whether Garnet consulted her Future Vision, or merely her common sense. And she, Pearl, should have come to the same conclusion herself…and would have done, surely, had she not been quite so preoccupied in the depth of Rose’s and her own grief. If they were to leave the Gemstone bubbles unattended where they’d been discorporated, some bumbling humans would be sure to come along and release them. The stasis would break, the _things_ would re-form, the human—if not a whole group of humans—would be mauled and brutally murdered, and Rose, in her fascination with the strange organics, would become even more devastated than she already was. She would weep and weep. Pearl imagines, already feeling the _throbbing_ in her Gem, rivers of tears—more than the Fountain ever contained. 

But they would be _useless_. Rose had cried on every single one of these Gemstones the first time they’d discoporated them—at first intentionally, and then subsequently incidentally—and they had all nonetheless re-formed into un-sentient creatures rather than the Gems they’d once been. So the tears would just be tears, just manifestations of her Diamo—that is, of Rose’s—despair, and that can’t stand, either.

No, until they find another place to settle— _if_ they find another place to settle—they will have to bring the bubbled Gems with them. 

In some ways, she tells herself, this is what she was built for. She might be free now, but she’s still a _Pearl_ , was built to carry things for her Diamond, has both the impulse and the capacity engrained deep in her Gem. Besides, all of this is her fault anyway. The Diamonds had blasted the planet in their grief and their pain and their rage because Pink Diamond had been shattered. And she had been the one to do that. Even if it hadn’t been her idea—even if Pink wasn’t gone in quite the way they believed—Pearl had been the one to drive the sword through the form of her Diamond, had been the one to destroy her physical form. It’s only proper, therefore, that she be the one to bear the resulting literal burden.

And, it’s telling herself this that Pearl slowly bends down, and, one-by-one, levitates each bubble into her Gem.

* * *

She feels them, sometimes, in her head.

* * *

Despite the monstrous form, Pearl recognizes the Agate immediately. She hadn’t been _off-color_ per se, in the time _before_ , but there’d been definitive blotches on her face—not distinctive enough to keep her from serving in Yellow Diamond’s court, but enough to make it uncomfortable—and they likewise paint the face of whatever beast stands before Pearl now. It’s her. Or it _was_.

Once, the mere sight of this Gem had made her squirm with envy. She was an early Rebellion recruit, one of the first who’d defected, and other than Garnet—whose status as a permafusion effectively nullified any stance she might have had under Blue Diamond’s purview—the first who’d come from outside of Pink’s court or command. 

Rose, therefore, had _adored_ her.

(And Pearl had become defensive in a way that seems so utterly ridiculous now. Had coveted any little bit of attention that Rose had paid the Agate. But this alternative is so uncomprehendingly _worse_ , this reality in which there’s no one to compete with her for Rose’s affections because there’s _no one_ else at all…)

(Her own feelings aside, _Rose_ is unhappy now, had been unhappier in these months since the Corruption than she’d maybe even been as Pin—than she’d been _before_. What Pearl wouldn’t give now to compete to be the one who had made her smile, as long as she was smiling...)

The creature snarls, and Pearl is roused from her thoughts and back to something like the here-and-now. After months, the three of them have established a vague protocol for dealing with these monsters. If they encounter one while alone, they’re supposed to alert the others, who will come to their aid, and then all three of them will take the creature down together. They are, all three of them, skilled fighters, but sometimes these Corrupted Gems exhibit unexpected abilities. It’s better, they’ve learned, to have reinforcements.

But, if she were to summon the others, Rose would see the Agate—what had become of her—and her already deep despair would intensify. Pearl can already feel it. She can’t _bear_ to be the cause of more _pain_ for Rose…

And, besides, in her fervor to protect Rose during the War, she had fought plenty of Gems on her own, things that a Pearl shouldn’t have to able to: Quartzes and Ruby Fusions, and all manner of Homeworld warrior, and she’d _won_. The fact that she was a knight had given her that strength—there hadn’t been another option _but_ to win, when Rose’s safety was at stake—so why should now be any different? She’s still protecting Rose…only from a different type of pain, a different type of destruction. And it’s no less important.

She draws her sword. 

The battle is somewhat brutal, and by the time Pearl does eventually discorporate and bubble the monster, painful, florescent wounds litter her physical form. She quickly tries to determine where she is relative to the nearest Warp Pad, to calculate how quickly she can make it to Fountain and heal herself and whether she can do it before the others come looking for her. If she can, neither Garnet nor (more importantly) Rose will have to know what happened. 

It should be feasible if she hurries. But first, Pearl bends stiffly, attempting to minimize exacerbating her wounds, and levitates the bubbled monster into her Gemstone. That way, Rose won’t need to know about it at all.

(And if she gasps in pain as she brings it in—well, no one has to know that either.)

* * *

She feels them, sometimes, in her head. Racing thoughts that she’s not sure belong to her alone. A disorientation that _must_ be the by-product of monsterhood. (This is what she _wanted_ , freedom is what she _wanted_ , life together after the War, but it hurts, hurts, her fault, her _fault_ , it shouldn’t, but it _hurts_ …)

And she feels the weight of them all. They’re heavy. 

(So much is heavy, these days.)

* * *

“It hurts you.”

“What?” Pearl looks up from watching as Rose cheerfully explores an abandoned human settlement some distance away (she _hates_ when she does that, too dangerous, what if something _ambushes_ her, and it takes Pearl an instant too long to get there? But after several years of seeing her downcast, it’s worth the risk and her own neurosis to see Rose’s spirits lifted, if only momentarily). 

Garnet’s gaze bears into her from behind her visor, and Pearl feels utterly exposed. “Each time we bubble another Corrupted Gem, you place it inside your own Gem to carry. And it hurts you.”

“I…no!” Pearl blushes blue. “Of course it doesn’t!” A pause. “And even if it did…you said yourself that we can’t just leave them lying around, and—”

“But I did not say that you needed to carry them by yourself.”

She glances away. If Garnet knew the _truth_ …

But she doesn’t. Can’t. Shouldn’t, if it’s not what Rose wants. And so, for lack of a better rationale, Pearl responds: “I’m a Pearl. I was built to—”

“And on Homeworld that might have meant that you alone were responsible for carrying things around even though it was painful. But we’re not on Homeworld anymore. We haven’t been on Homeworld for—”

“ _I know_! I left Homeworld before you did!” The color in Pearl’s cheeks deepens to a deep teal, and once again she averts Garnet’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” Her voice trails off. “Thank you for saying all that.”

When she finally looks back at Garnet’s face, she sees that the other Gem has banished her visor and is looking into Pearl with all three of her eyes, brow furrowed in what is either concern or annoyance. For an instant, Pearl worries that she’s looking at her with her Future Vision, stripping her bare with it—because, though she promised not to examine Rose with it, she’d never said anything about Pearl herself—and that all of her closely-guarded secrets are about to tumble into the open. But, then it dawns on her all of those secrets are in the past, not the future, and so—unless she is destined to fail spectacularly in this one remnant of her true purpose (which, admittedly, is a possibility)—there’s nothing that Garnet’s Future Vision could reveal.

Her secrets, like the bubbled Gems, remain safe in her Gemstone alone. (For now.)

Garnet looks at her for a moment more, mouth twitching as though she might speak again, but evidentially she decides against it. Garnet rises, paces to join Rose in the ruins of the settlement, leaving Pearl to look on from afar.

* * *

(Sometimes, she wonders what would happen if the bubbles _popped_.)

* * *

(It’s so _loud_ , in her head.)

* * *

The heat in the room only adds to the general fuzziness in her mind—itself, a by-product of the weight of what she’s already carrying there. And frankly, once she can bring herself to formulate any thoughts on the matter, it’s warmer than she would have expected it to be. Warmer certainly than any of the other Temples had been on any of Blue or Yellow Diamonds’ colonies, back when she’d accompanied Pink to them in that distant era before Rose. 

(But, then, she supposes _this_ Temple had never been completed. And, even if it had, a room like this one, at the base where it’s hottest, would only ever be accessed by Service Gems, so perhaps they’d have seen no need to rectify the temperature.)

They’d stumbled upon this place by accident, after tracking a monster through the ocean and winding up on the beach, where they’d eventually caught and discorporated it. As Pearl lifted the bubble and added it to the others with a jilted and muffled gasp, she’d watched Rose wander over to what appeared to be, at first glance, a naturally occurring cave in the rock-face—another quirk of Earth’s geology that so fascinated her. Further examination, however, had revealed it what it was: the beginnings of what would have been Earth’s Temple to the Diamond Authority, a requisite feature of every colony. As the War grew serious, building projects like this one had lessened on the list of Pink’s (supposed, perfunctory, staged) colony priorities until they were postponed altogether. 

The Bismuths had apparently only been able to lay the bare bones of this particular project, though. They’d made a cavern-like opening in front of the door that would have eventually been turned into a grandiose vestibule, installed a Warp Pad, and sculpted a few essential rooms and features, but that was all. None of the ostentatious statues or graven images of Pink or White or Diamond shapes that were meant to eventually adorn these halls. Nonetheless, Pearl should have _remembered_ this…They should have all come to _check_ on it, but they hadn’t, _she_ hadn’t, why _hadn’t_ she…

“Rose says that we should stay.”

Garnet’s voice pulls her back to herself, and Pearl turns to see her standing there, at the entrance to the burning hot room. “Oh. Yes?”

She supposes it makes sense. There’s plenty of space, a door they can seal off from the monsters and the humans for security, and a Warp Pad, which will provide them easier access to spaces that Corrupted Gems are more likely to be across the planet. But after decades of continual wandering, the thought of settling in one place, like they had in their bases during the War, (and like they had in that long-ago era _before_ ), is nonetheless jarring.

“Yes,” Garnet continues, taking a step closer to Pearl. “Which means there is space to store the Corrupted Gem. You no longer need to carry them. We can all carry them, now.” She lays a hand on Pearl’s shoulder. “We all _will_ carry them.”

One day, they’ll symbolize this literally. Several centuries from now, when they find Amethyst and there’s four of them instead of three, they’ll carve a statue of the Fusion they all create into the cliff face surrounding the Temple entrance. It will be, Pearl will think, as large as any image of a Diamond at any shrine anywhere in the Empire, and it’ll appear to be cradling this Temple—and all it contains—in its hands. 

That day will come. For now, though, Pearl stands silent before Garnet, eyes wide, frozen under Garnet's bracing hand. Suddenly, her lips are as leaden and as heavy as a Diamond's hand, and any words she might want to say—(what _does_ she want to say?)—are locked fiercely behind them.

Garnet speaks again in the midst of the silence: “It isn’t your fault. And it isn’t only your responsibility.”

Pearl considers for an instant, blinks.

“Let them go, Pearl.”

And with this gentle command, the weight and noise of decades reaches her all at once. She nearly collapses under it. And in that moment of desperation she realizes: Even if Garnet's wrong, and it is her fault—and it _is_ —the prospect of shared responsibility is real too, and a deeper relief than she could have possibly comprehended in her weary shadows. Perhaps...she doesn't have to be _alone_ under this yoke.

Pearl leans into Garnet’s touch, sags and falls to her knees as, with the Crystal Heart gleaming above, she gasps and lets the hundreds of bubbles pour out into the warmth around her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I love comments!


End file.
